THE Daily Telegraph features a very close relationship with Santa Claus and on the eve of Christmas the large man in red has asked us to move on a message to every girl and boy. He also has a message for your adults around also.
In the crayons for the text messages i battle to decipher, I let you know, I read each one of letter from santa. It gladdens my heart.
Although you may still find many that don’t write to me much anymore _ too busy I know, plus there isn’t a decent app for this.
We have, however, been gathering some decent ‘gift intel’ by combing all your Instagram, Facebook and Google search data. Don’t worry Malcolm, I’ll show you to achieve that later.
Anyways, I’m kind of indebted to hashtags including #wishlist and #stockingstuffers and #bucketlist. They certainly help it become easy, kids today; getting the middle man. I concede, I may have gotten a little bit sidetracked searching #ThingsNotToDoAtChristmasParty which helped me cough and splutter a feeling. But seriously folks, straight to the naughty list. Ho, ho, ho.
Now kids, you could notice a couple of changes with Santa this current year. Against my wishes, mind you. Nevertheless the old red trousers are as loose as the ABC Budget.
You can see Mrs Claus continues to be forcing me with this Paleo diet business. Seems that Pete Evans fella reached her too! Not really that he’s a pain to manage. All he ever asks me for is actually a bag of nuts (activated, of course) and some fake tan.
Presently there is absolutely nothing fake with that girl Jacqui Lambie. Well, maybe the botox. And possibly her pledges of party loyalty. And … but anyway, we had been close to aborting this Christmas mission because of Jacqui. We may only get clearance to land, according to the Senator, basically if i brought some cash for your soldiers. And So I thought it was the soldiers which had the guns!
It doesn’t matter the amount of Greenie leaflets and Change.org petitions are delivered to the North Pole, I won’t alter my ways. Boys, I hear constantly, want Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and Nerf guns. And girls plead with me for Frozen dresses and Monster Hill dolls. You don’t mess with the gender stuff. Trust me, I’ve been achieving this for a time.
Speaking of gender distinctions, it really is, may I only say, wonderful to get arriving back to Sydney given that I have a lot of kindred spirits. I’ve told Mrs Claus many a period of time that long beards would some day be cool again. Now is our time, bearded brothers. Now could be our time!
Not too Mrs Claus and so i would ever make Sydney our home, around we adore its charm, its mighty fine looks, and Lara Bingle’s antics. It’s that $1 million buys a hell of lots of North Pole snow. In terms of my eyes, albeit ever fading, can easily see. With your sparkling city, it either buys a compact bag of Eastern Suburbs ‘snow’ or a half a car space in Paddington, and merely then once you learn the agent. (see naughty list).
Plus I’ve delivered way too many favours during my time and energy to not attract those savvy ICAC investigators. They could be across old Santa such as a randy reindeer.
The Treasurer, Joseph. His prices are as wild, untamed and ridiculous as RedFoo’s hair and filmclips. He pleads with me for intervention, but geez pal, I deliver Christmas gifts, not perform miracles.
Once again there exists Clover Moore, whose campaign to change Sydney’s streets right into a car-less utopia continues unabated by small things, like popular opinion. That little rascal, hasn’t she heard I bought a Jeep!
And as there is lots of individuals to name, I’ve grouped other prominent naughty listers into one category. NRL Footballers.
It appears I got it wrong last 44dexspky when numerous players asked for tablets. Thought they merely wanted iPads, or Kindles.
Then Santa’s little helpers go and send us a YouTube clip that made me choke in my rare seal steak. I am talking about, should you seriously would like to kill some germs within your mouth, you’d gargle Listerine, right?
Because after the day, it’s you kids that get me excited when I think of New South Wales.
Your entire wondrous expectations, and your thankful grins on Christmas morn.
Sure, you will have a lot of gifts, as usual. But most of all, this season I bring you some thing important than any toy on earth; something you can’t possibly easily fit in a stocking, something to alleviate the pain of any troublesome spate of terror and tragedy.